How many times have you heard someone say, or have said to yourself, that “I am not going to divorce my husband / wife because it’s better we stay together for the kids”?
Posit this for a moment.
If you, or someone you know of, is experiencing severe marital difficulties in their relationship, there is a very strong likelihood that their home environment is an unhappy one. Whilst the spouses themselves may believe they (themselves) are strong enough to withstand the animosity in the household, the children are not. Yet, by uttering this statement, the spouse effectively resolves him/herself to an assumption that their children either are not emotionally mature enough to understand the incumbent conflict that comes with divorce, or that their children will be able to manage the current conflict because they are strong enough to do so. There have even been cases where an ignorant position is adopted which maintains that, “nothing could be worse for my kids than breaking up the household so I am choosing the lesser of two evils.” In any event, they say to themselves that the decision is made “in the best interests of the children.” All of these assumptions are unassailably dangerous.
What these couples do not realise is what comes after making this decision: the hidden costs of simply “staying together for the children.”
Couples often start experiencing polarised individual realities i.e. spouses are already leading different lives but cohabiting together for the “unified interest” of their children. Some examples of this polarisation include –
- They live and sleep in different bedrooms of the same house, believing the children will not notice;
- They keep more secrets from their spouses as the level of trust deteriorates;
- They argue more with one another and communicate less believing the children will not hear;
- They make financial decisions which are best for themselves instead of the family; and
- They start developing “evidence entrapment techniques” in a discreet manner as a backup;
All of this taking place whilst putting on a façade in front of their children that everything is healthy and normal.
In making this decision, ignorantly or intentionally, some spouses have used this as a reason to believe it is not necessary to learn about their rights and obligations, or even how this decision will affect their children. There are also some, on the other side of the spectrum, whom have used this position to their advantage so as to cause financial prejudice to the marital estates.
No good can come from maintaining a family home when the only reason to do so is to “stay together for the children.” The pillars for a healthy family relationship are still love, commitment, communication and trust. If these pillars have become eroded, “staying together for the children” often does not work out to be “in the best interests of the children.”
Here are some examples of what the children experience from these sorts of households:
- If there is an imbalance of power between the parents, the children have sometimes learned that it is completely normal to treat the ‘less empowered parent’ (i.e. the parent who is perceived to have less power than the other) in the same way as their other parent treats them;
- In turn, it has translated to the child treating their parents in the same way, this disintegrating any respect that a child would or should have for that ‘less empowered parent’;
- The converse has also transpired where the child starts to resent the ‘more empowered parent’
- These patterns are then absorbed and exhibited amongst their peers;
- There have been cases where children would then develop a generalised perception that the gender associated with the ‘less empowered parent’ is the weaker gender and thus susceptible to manipulation or worsened forms of abuse;
- There have also been cases where the children learn that abuse is normal, and thus they abuse others themselves, simply by observing their parents abuse one another;
- Children can pick up on the animosity at home and often internalise the conflict;
- By internalising the conflict, the children then become traumatised themselves because they do not know how to deal with this acrimony;
- Some children either feel, or have been led to feel the need to, choose between their parents;
- Estrangement of one parent in favour of the other can take place;
The above is only an abridged list of some traits that come out of a home where “staying together for the children” is used as the basis to not separate or divorce.
It is strongly advisable that any spouse experiencing severe and intolerable difficulties in their marital relationship seek advice first from a family psychologist and a family law practitioner so that the spouse is able to make an informed decision going forward. This will undoubtedly be one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your lifetime: better to do it right.
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